How Could You
by candi711
Summary: Love never came easy for Amanda, but for a moment she thought she had done the impossible. She thought she found the one good person in the world, she found someone she could love. Then she learned a new lesson, love is a complex beast, look away for one moment and it will bite you where you'd least expect it.


**A/N: This story was originally intended to be in my one-shot series "Mismatched" but I found this one to be a little too long to really fit there. Also, does this story count as romance? That's a serious question. What elements are in a story that makes it fall into the genre of romance? Does it have to be happy, or can its main theme be angst? Is a story romance in the genre because its main plot takes place around a couple? Sorry for the rant, I ask these questions because I am romantically challenged, I think lol. I just don't understand it.**

Carisi was excited for that Friday night. He had the night planned out to the T. It was his and Amanda's sixth month anniversary and he wanted to make sure that she knew just how happy she was making him. It took a lot of work, on his part, to even convince Amanda that it was a date worth celebrating. Amanda tended to have a more cynical side when it came to relationships, it was a quality of her's that he was gradually changing.

He was ecstatic. He had even convinced Amanda into finding a babysitter overnight. He knew what a big deal that was because it was going to be her first night away from her daughter. Carisi was certain it was going to be perfect, he had worked too hard for things not to be. Unfortunately, however, no matter how much he planned for, he couldn't predict himself getting sick.

"Carisi, go home" Olivia ordered as she stood several feet away from her pale detective. It was Friday morning and the squad room was its typical madhouse; however, unlike usual, Carisi was having a difficult time keeping up. "You look like you're about to pass out. Take the rest of the day off and come in refreshed on Monday" Olivia offered her usually energetic subordinate.

"No Lieu, I'm fine really" Carisi waved her concern away as he tried to sit up straighter in his chair to appear more in control of his body than he currently felt "it's just a little low blood sugar or something, Carisis never get sick" he added as he stifled a cough.

"Look, man, I don't care if your family never gets sick, but obviously you do and you're contaminating my workplace more than the average scumbag we drag in here does. Do us all a favor and take your germs home with you" Fin chastised the younger man as he stood by Olivia, keeping far from the Italian detective

Carisi felt a soft hand land on his shoulder and he turned around faster than he should have. Though dizzy eyes, he saw Amanda standing behind him with her purse in hand "Liv, I'm going to drive Carisi home and then Fin and I can go interview the Martinez brothers when I get back" Amanda declared, not truly asking for permission

"Alright, but hurry back. We need to talk to those boys before their school tries to buy their silence" Olivia said before pulling Fin into her office to discuss their case some more

"You heard the boss, up and at it" Amanda's stated as she pulled up on the ill man's arm, her accent sounding more pronounced at that moment

"Amanda, I'm fine really" Carisi implored her "I'm not sick, I have too many important things to do, like what we're doing tonight," he said as he reluctantly followed Amanda out of the squad room and into Amanda's car. Not that he had any choice in the matter, the blonde practically pulled him out of the building.

"Why do I have the feeling that that was the main reason why you didn't want to admit you were sick," she said with a small smile as they reached her car. Carisi simply gave her an impish one of his own "Sonny, it's okay if you're sick. We can still celebrate this half anniversary some other day, what's most important is your health"

Carisi let out a large sigh "I was just so excited about tonight, I would get to have your attention the whole night without having to stop in the middle of our… activities because Jesse was crying, or because Franny was jealous" he said with slight embarrassment

Amanda chuckled at his words causing her partner to slump back into his seat "Oh, Sonny, it sounds like you're the jealous one"

"No, I mean well…" he answered back quickly then added "no" he confirmed "I love the fact that you're a great mom. It's one of the things I love most about you, it's just that... what I feel for you is special, and I wanted to show you that"

"You have showed me" Amanda replied truthfully as she pulled in front of Carisi's building "you show me that every day in the way you look at me, the way that you care for my daughter as if she was your own, and…" she leaned over and kissed him on the lips. It was a chaste kiss at first, but it quickly grew into more as Amanda moved her hand to cup Carisi's face as he deepened the kiss. They only pulled away from each other only because of their pointless need to breathe.

"Wow" Carisi smiled as he looked at the most beautiful woman he had ever seen "I sound pretty awesome" he laughed when Ananda slapped at his arm playfully

"And just because you're sick doesn't mean that I won't spend the night with you" Amanda revealed as Carisi opened the car door "You have taken care of me so many times, it's time that I do the same. Besides, why should I let a perfectly good overnight babysitter go to waste" she added through the car window just before she drove away leaving a very happy Carisi behind.

Amanda had ended up staying late at the precinct that night due to the case they were working on. By the time she made it to Carisi's place it was well past any reasonable time to eat. Even if she wanted to, however, she also knew better than to cook for him. She wanted to help him feel better, not give him food poisoning.

"Sorry for the late start" she apologized the instant she came through his door "things went, well, like they always do," she said as she greeted him with a quick kiss before setting her things on the kitchen table. It was at that moment that she realized she had forgotten to grab her night bag from her locker at work, she had no change of clothes or pajamas to wear "shit" she murmured under her breath

"What's wrong?" Carisi asked as he wrapped his arms around her. He was feeling much better than he had in the morning, after a five-hour power nap and some of his mother's sure-fire cold killing soups he felt nearly better.

"I left my clothes at work, it was so late that I just didn't think" she sighed as she went to the fridge to get grab a beer

Carisi raised his eyebrow at her words "oh, is that all" he gave her a devilish smile "because I was thinking that we didn't need clothes tonight" he added with a smirk and pulled her closer to him. Instantly, Amanda felt her exhaustion melt away by the fire that was being stirred in her from Carisi's movements. Before long, the couple had removed themselves to the bedroom to participate in at least one of the activities Carisi had planned for them that night.

* * *

Carisi slowly blinked himself awake, completely satisfied and content with life. He had a wonderful night with the woman he was deeply in love with. Casually, he lifted his hand and placed it on Amanda's head which currently laid on his chest. He loved running his fingers through her golden locks, twisting and curling them in his hand.

"Hmmm" Amanda murmured as Carisi then began to gently rub her scalp "if you keep that up I'll never be able to leave this bed" she spoke with an almost moan.

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea" Carisi answered her back right before he pulled her closer to his face for a deep kiss. They continued their soft and affectionate actions, losing track of time again. Only when Carisi's stomach began to grumble did they pull apart.

"I think your stomach is demanding you to feed it" Amanda laughed as she sat up in bed, not bothering to cover her exposed body with the sheets. She never felt shy or insecure with her body when it came to Carisi, as she had with all the other men she had been with after Paton.

"Well, several parts of me are demanding many things" he replied with a deep smirk as he stared at her with darkening eyes. He leaned up on his elbows to bestow another kiss but stopped when this time Amanda's stomach growled. He watched with great interest as her cheeks instantly turned a light shade of red before she laughed at herself. "Okay, I get it, food first, playtime later" he chuckled as well as he rolled out of bed and grabbed a fresh pair of boxers before walking out of the room.

Carisi had just reached the kitchen when he heard a knock at the door. It was a Saturday morning, and he wasn't expecting any visitors. Before Carisi was able to walk to the door to see who it was, he heard the lock turn. Only three people had a key to his apartment: his mom, Amanda, and…

"Oh, hey you're up," the tan man said as he entered the room, "Liv told me you were sent home sick yesterday so I brought you mi Abuela's famous soup. Guaranteed to nock back any cold"

Carisi stood frozen to his spot. He wasn't sure if what he was seeing was real or simply some cruel trick his mind had conjured up to destroy his perfect morning. "Raf… Rafael" he was finally able to stammer out as the elder man approached him.

"Babe?" Barba questioned as he came to stand to in front of Carisi "you look so pale? Why don't you go lay down and I'll start the soup on the stove" he ordered as he lightly kissed the still shell-shocked Carisi gently on the cheek while his other hand cupped the younger's chin. Barba may not have been known as the most affectionate person, but he took care of the people who were important to him.

"What the hell?" Amanda questioned loudly from Carisi's doorway. Both men broke away from the kiss and turned sharply to see the young blonde standing confusedly while only wearing Carisi's overly large Fordham Law's t-shirt

"Amanda?"

"Rollins?"

Both men had spoken at the same time, however, Barba had recovered faster. "What are you doing here? Did… did you spend the night?" the wheels in the Cuban's mind were turning on overdrive as he was quickly piecing together his lover's past few hours.

"What am I doing here? What the hell are you doing here, and why did you kiss my boyfriend?" Amanda had only called Carisi her boyfriend when talking to the man himself, because of the secretive nature of their relationship, but at that moment she was feeling possessive.

"Your boyfriend?!" Barba exclaimed in confusion "Since when?"

"That, doesn't answer my question, Barba? Or for that fact, Carisi, what the hell is going on?" Amanda asked finally turning to face her boyfriend

"Amanda…" Carisi looked between his two secret lovers facing a situation that only occurred in his nightmares "I can explain… Barba is… he was… well…" he couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence at that moment. His years of experience at talking people's ears off seemed to evaporate from the stress he was under.

"I'm his lover, Rollins" Barba stated coldly, staring daggers at the younger man "but I can see that you are as well. I was not told about you and you seem to know nothing of me as well"

"Son of a bitch," Amanda said looking even more shocked than she had before "for how long?" her voice seemed to have lost its sharp edge and instead was shaky and emotional

"Amanda, please, listen" Carisi started but was cut off

"Six and a half months" Barba answered for him

Amanda was shocked. Their relationship was longer than the one that she had shared with Carisi. Suddenly she began to feel sick. Every time she had slept with him, every time she had kissed him, it was only after he had done the same to Barba. She felt like she had been used as his leftovers, something to tide him over until he could be with Barba again.

Barba could clearly see the devastation on the younger woman's face, and for a moment his anger at Carisi subsided and was replaced by sympathy for her. Both men watched as Amanda bent down and angrily grabbed her pants off the floor, that had been discarded in hast on the way to Carisi's bed the previous night, and slipped them on without a word or a glance to the other occupants in the room. "I'm sorry, Amanda, if I had known about this I would never have kept you in the dark" Barba apologized as Amanda walked past them and headed for the door. Her emotions were so scattered from anger, despair, and pain that she didn't even realize or care that she had forgotten her shoes or her purse.

"I'm not mad at you Barba, you didn't do anything wrong," Amanda said deceptively calm as she opened the door "but you," she said pointedly as she looked at Carisi "I never want to see you again. Stay away from my apartment, stay away from my daughter, and, excluding work, stay out of my life" and with that Amanda left the two men alone.

They stood in silence for only a second before Barba spoke up "how could you do this?" he questioned with disappointment lacing his voice

"I'm sorry Raf" Carisi answered with his head held low

"That's not an answer. How could you hurt her like that, how could you do this to me?" he questioned again, keeping his steady gaze on the younger man

"I didn't know what to do. I loved being with you and then I started helping Amanda with Jesse and being with her was wonderful and… it was like I was building a family. I didn't… I didn't know what to do" Carisi lamented as he dropped into the kitchen chair next to him, placing his head into his palms

"You could have told me about her" Barba responded honestly with pain evident in his tone "I would have been okay with it. We had a deal, we were in an open relationship, so long as we told each other who we're seeing as well. You never cared that I was sleeping with Olivia, why would I have cared if you were dating Amanda as well?" Barba was quiet for another beat as he looked at how far Carisi had fallen from grace.

Their relationship was a strange one, the elder man could admit, but it was built on mutual trust and admiration. Carisi had made it clear that he idolized Barba for his skill and talent in the courtroom, and Barba found himself endeared to the idealistic and innocent nature of the younger man. This turn of events, however, had shattered all respect he had once held for him.

"I understand wanting to form a family" Barba began "I feel like I am finding that with Olivia and Noah, but you should never have lied. You know that Olivia knows about us as well. She didn't care. You should have afforded the same respect and opportunity to Amanda as I do to Olivia" he chastened the distraught detective in front of him.

What hurt Carisi the most was the look of pure disappointment in the elder man's chestnut brown eyes. Eyes that had previously shown him with love and affection. "I don't know how I can ever prove how sorry I am about this" Carisi began, ready to get on his knees to beg for forgiveness if he thought it would help any "I was afraid that she would say no if I told her about you, and I was afraid that if I told you about her you would have talked to her to make sure she was okay with the situation, as Lieu had done with me. I care so much about you both that I couldn't stand the thought of losing either one of you" he concluded honestly, hoping that the elder man could find some compassion in his heart for his situation

"That's just the thing, Carisi" his last named burned in his ears. Ever since they had gotten together, Barba had never called him by that name when they were alone "because of your fears and selfishness, you have already lost us both" and with that he turned and walked out the door, never once looking back.

* * *

Amanda was in no mood to care what people thought of her at that moment. She ran straight from Carisi's apartment and out into the street below. She heard the honks and yells of the cars and drivers as she crossed the street without looking, but that didn't faze her. Everything was surreal.

Her heart was breaking in ways that she promised herself would never happen. She had seen the implosion that was her parent's relationship. The lying the cheating, the toxic environment. She remembered watching her mother drink herself to sleep every night to forget the void that her father had carved out of her. She had promised herself years ago that she would never let anyone do the same to her, to let herself care about a man to such a degree.

She broke all of her rules with Carisi, though. She let herself care for him, let herself be cared for by him. She didn't know exactly when it began, but suddenly, one day, she realized Carisi had made a home for himself in her heart. With Carisi, it didn't scare her like she had initially thought it would, she knew she had found the one good man in the world that would accept her, with demons and all. She never expected for him to simply become another demon to torment her, like all the other men in her life had become.

"God, I was such a fool" Amanda cried as she crossed her right hand around her body and let her face fall into her left palm "I should have known better, things don't go that good for me" she couldn't stop the tears that kept falling from her face. At any other moment, she would never have forgiven herself for crying in public, but not then, not when her world had just been shattered.

"Amanda!" A loud holler came from behind her. At first, she thought it was Carisi who had chased her down. She kept on walking, not willing to see the face of the man that she hated to love. "Amanda, please stop" the young blonde slowed down, she knew that voice and it wasn't Carisi's. It wasn't even a man's.

"What happened?" Amanda instantly realized that it was Olivia's voice. It was her boss that was pleading her to stop. "Are you alright?" the elder woman asked as she finally caught up with her detective. Olivia had just dropped Barba off at Carisi's apartment after spending the night with him, she had planned on going back to pick up Noah from Lucy at that park but then had decided to bring back some donuts as well. She ended up driving by Carisi's building again just in time to see Amanda run into the middle of the street. "Amanda, can you please answer me, honey, are you alright? Did somebody hurt you?"

Amanda was instantly mortified. She did not want to even consider what her Lieutenant must be thinking about her at that moment, crying in the street half dressed. Amanda's head hung low, she feared even turning around to look at her boss. It was at that moment, with added humiliation, that Amanda realized she didn't even have any shoes on. She had heard the elder woman's last question 'did anyone hurt her?'. She wanted to yell out 'yes', but she couldn't. It would only confirm what she so desperately wanted to deny, that she had let someone so close to her that their very actions could ruin her life.

"Amanda?"

"I'm fine, Liv!" the younger woman snapped "just leave me alone" she kept her head down and began to walk away again

"You're not fine, Amanda, I just saw you almost get hit by a car. You're dressed like you threw on the first clothes in reach and you're not wearing any shoes, but most concerningly, you're crying" Olivia said sternly as she jumped in front of Amanda's way. She knew that something was wrong with her detective, and she wasn't going to ignore it, even at the risk of the other woman's ire.

Amanda quickly tried to wipe the tears away, but it was futile. The damage had already been done. "I just… I just want to go home" Amanda said honestly. All she wanted to do was go home, lay with her daughter and forget that the last six months had ever occurred.

"Let me take you there, at least. You're nearly across town from your place, and you're not going to get very far without any shoes" Olivia offered as she pointed to her own car that was parked illegally a few yards behind them. The elder woman had jumped out of her vehicle the moment she had seen how distraught and unkept the younger woman was.

Amanda hesitated at first. She knew her boss. Olivia would want her to spill her guts, but at the same time, she wanted to be as far away from Carisi as possible. Reluctantly, Amanda nodded her head and followed Olivia to her car. Once inside, she found herself finally realizing the gravity of her actions only moments ago. She could have killed herself, leaving her daughter an orphan, by getting run over by a car. All that over a man, because she let herself love. It felt like everything was hitting her all over again, and she couldn't help the renewed vigor of her tears that cascaded down her face.

"Amanda, I know I promised to take you home; but first, I need to know. Are you hurt? Do you need me to take you to the hospital?" Olivia asked in her compassionate tone. The tone that she reserved to use only for their victims.

Amanda rolled her eyes at the questions. She knew that it must look like she suffered some sort of trauma from an unknown source. In fact, she did feel violated by Carisi's actions, but not in the way that Olivia would be thinking. "No" she answered back, voice barely above a whisper "I just want to go home, Liv"

Olivia obliged the younger woman for the moment and began to head towards her apartment. She wasn't going to simply let Amanda out of her sight until she knew what was wrong, but she didn't think that she needed to figure everything out in such a public place as well.

The drive was eerily quiet. Amanda refused to look anywhere near Olivia, and Olivia wasn't sure how to strike up a conversation with the younger woman. Luckily for her, Amanda would be the one to speak first. "What is this doing here?" she questioned as she looked down at her seat and saw a gold cufflink, one that she clearly recognized as belonging to Barba "when was Barba in your car, and how did this come off?". At her current mood, she wouldn't have typically cared about why someone had been in Olivia's car, but the fact that this someone was Barba changed everything.

Olivia's cheeks flushed slightly as she realized what Amanda had found. She knew that link must have come undone the night before when she had picked up Barba from the courthouse to spend the night at her place. They had not even made it to her bed, or out of the car for that matter, before they began grabbing at each other. "I um, I drove Barba to Carisi's this morning, not long before…" Olivia trailed off, everything suddenly clicks. Amanda's mood, the lack of proper clothing, the timing of everything. "You… you were at Carisi's apartment when I dropped off Barba, weren't you?" it wasn't much of a question "you spent the night with him" that was a statement.

"I don't want to talk about it" Amanda bit back quickly, regretful for even opening her mouth. She hated that she had somehow just outed herself to her boss about a relationship that would have gotten her or Carisi transferred.

"You're seeing him" Olivia continued as if she didn't hear Amanda speak "you didn't know about him and Barba, and I know that he didn't know about you two"

"I said I didn't want to…" she trailed off as Olivia's words finally set in "wait, you knew about them?" she asked in confusion

Olivia took a long moment to answer. She didn't know how much of the story she should tell Amanda, but seeing the younger woman in such a devastated state was not fair to her either. "Yes, I knew about them. I knew about them from the beginning" Olivia clarified as she sent Amanda an apologetic look "I had to know because Barba asked if it was okay to see him"

"Barba asked you for permission?" Amanda asked, from what she knew about the Cuban man, he never seemed like the one who would ask before doing things.

"Well, not in the way you're thinking. But, yes. Barba wanted to make sure I was okay with him starting a sexual relationship with Carisi" Olivia stated trying to hide the blush from her cheeks that still hasn't seemed to go away

"In what way are you talking about if it was not for professional courtesy?" Amanda questioned further until a thought struck her, one that didn't make much sense to her, but it seemed to fit the flow of their conversation "wait a second, do you mean to say that you were in a relationship with Barba?"

Olivia gave a deep sigh, she wasn't surprised by the younger woman's deduction skills. "Amanda, what I'm going to tell you is immediately private, okay. You can't tell anyone else" the elder woman waited until she saw Amanda nodded her head in understanding before she continued "I still am seeing Barba, and I knew about him seeing Carisi. It's not something that most people would understand or except, but it worked for us. Well, at least it used to. Barba didn't know what Carisi was doing because he would have made sure it was okay with you. He may have a lot of flaws. But he respects people, he would have respected you in this as well"

"I just" Amanda sighed "I wish Carisi would have respected me as well. I've been with cheaters and liars before, but I knew that was who they were. Carisi… I trusted him. I trusted him wholeheartedly and he just… he destroyed that" Amanda's voice was shaking from the emotions she could no longer contain. "I mean, you're right. I don't understand what y'all were doing, but I work in SVU, I would not have judged him for it. I can't honestly say that I would have agreed to share him like you did with Barba, but… I don't know. He never gave me the chance"

"I'm sorry, Amanda, I thought Carisi was a better guy than that" Olivia said honestly, she was disappointed that one of her detective's, someone that she saw as a friend, would act in such a deplorable way.

"So, did I" Amanda responded halfheartedly, she felt drained from the morning's events "I actually loved him, that's never happened before" she found herself admitting without thinking "but I guess that's my fault. Love just doesn't exist, not for someone like me" they had pulled up in front of Amanda's apartment at that moment.

Before Amanda could get out, Olivia gently rested her hand on Amanda's thigh "you're wrong, Hun, love does exist. Especially for someone as passionate and as caring as you. You just haven't found the right people yet to show you"

"What? You mean like you and Barba?" Amanda asked with a slight eye roll not knowing how she really felt about their setup but also knowing that it was none of her business

"Well, if you're interested, I know neither of us would mind" she gave her a small smile and a wink "if you need anything, Amanda, don't hesitate to call me okay. I'm here for you and I know Barba will be too"

Amanda quickly said her goodbyes and thanks before heading inside her building, still not sure if Olivia was serious about her invitation or not.

 **A/N: I hope this story wasn't too complicated :) lol. But, man, writing that first part had me questioning if I really wanted to destroy Amanda and Carisi's relationship like that, but ultimately, I thought this way was much more fun. I find myself really enjoying writing more when it's eventful and full of drama and angst. Thanks for reading :) please let me know how I did with this. I hope it was an enjoyable read at least.**


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